It was not always like this.

Once upon a time, Kenyans actually cared about each others wellbeing. Communalism was the norm in pre-colonial Africa. Such history is not very well documented in published sources so it is sometimes better to speak to elderly people in rural Kenya. They carry within them storehouses of important knowledge. I am engaged in a biographical research that encompasses interviewing elderly people. Last year I conducted one  in depth interview with an elderly teacher and it transformed my whole perspective of Kenya.

I visited him at the peak of my disillusionment with the social and cultural dynamics of modern urban Kenya as I wondered if it were possible to gather back the Afro optimism I once fostered. From him, I heard of a Kenya where most people cared about others well being in a tight knit communal setting. It was a Kenya where there was some conscious awareness about the poorer and lesser fortunate and where the pursuit of education was a pure intention to actually learn and transform the world positively.

One of my colleagues also studied a group of elderly Agĩkũyũ women who helped her trace identities before colonial times and she told me spending time with those women transformed her entirely. She contrasted them sharply with the modern caricature of conflicted and insecure womanhood filled with body image challenges, identity and White fetish conflicts. From them, she learnt about genuine female empowerment, self-control and awareness, moderation, nutrition, healthy weight and wellness. I keep challenging her to write a book for us that is not packaged away as an academic thesis. I hope she dispenses this knowledge for us all.

Pre- colonial times are largely described as the golden years where even people who had experienced challenges such as the orphans and widows were cared for communally. Material goods were for the enjoyment of a community and wastage was discouraged.

In sharp contrast, post-colonial times are complex.

Sharing and kindness are really not the norm for most people, especially those in urban areas. Extreme inequality, discrimination and class segregation is normalised. Growing affluence packaged away in pristine, well-manicured suburbs is nestled right next to congested and dehumanising slums.

A Culture of Affluence

In Kenya, there is a strong culture of affluence rooted  in the philosophy of capitalism and free market economics to drive growth, it is a philosophy that underpins and drives how Kenyans conduct their political, business and even relational affairs. Much of life is motivated by the desire to make an economic profit. We are living in a transactional age where even social and romantic relationships are measured in terms of economic gain. This is a major element of capitalist individualism.

The culture of affluence has led people to believe that the true test of success is how much money is earned and how well this money is distributed , not necessarily how relationships or the wellbeing of people is  maintained. This culture of affluence has  rarely led to harmonious, loving relationships. It has actually left some people anxious about social and emotional connection.  For the young people in I queried. They are concerned that:

• Romantic and love relationships are measured purely as economic transactions and the possibility of increasing income and social status.
• The pressure to achieve economic success through whatever means possible is high. Sources of income are rarely interrogated or flagged as important anymore. One of them even mentioned that parents are fine if their daughters or sons engage in transactional sexual relationships as long they support their families of origin financially.
• Very materially wealthy people are growing in unkindness and in a lack of empathy for the materially, economically poor of the society.

In this article I want to discuss the three points above in relation to two factors. Social Comparison and the Ubiquitous Nature of New Media Platforms such as Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Facebook and WhatsApp. Most of what is driving the relentless pursuit for more and more is rooted in Social Comparison. This is something that has always existed but now it exists instantly in digitally perfectly curated spaces. In my previous article on envy, I highlighted that it is so much easier and faster to compare your life with someone else these days.

In the context of research, there are two forms of social comparison that dominate.  Research by Holstee basically describes a ‘good’ form of social comparison that can lead one to self improvement or motivation. In the context of my life I can identify specific points where I felt comparison was useful and positive. For example, when I wanted to improve my grades in the University during my undergraduate course I looked for the hardworking and trouble-free students and compared my lifestyle and theirs. I then drew correlations on what I perceived was working. I changed my whole routine and it worked. I also befriended one of the more docile and hardworking students from a humble background. We have remained friends to date and I still admire her work style.

In the context of UK as a mature graduate student I wanted to complete my PhD on time. Therefore, I observed one classmate of Ghanaian descent who was extra productive. Laura seemed to get a lot of work done yet she was a mother of two children based and a wife. I did not copy her whole routine but I just emulated her specific work style when she sat in our communal PhD office at the University. She had a daily target of 1500 words which she typed without fail. I made that small tweak and it really helped me alongside other adjustments. It was also very interesting to me that the West African students from other parts of the continent such as Nigeria were extremely meticulous and excellent in their oral and written presentations. I did very well during my PhD time and sometimes I feel that the positive peer pressure and comparison of studying with other Africans was one of the most transformational life events. I remain forever grateful for interacting with them.

Social Comparison Disasters

Social comparison has been a disaster when I have attempted to start ventures or jobs that I have no pure desire to participate in because it seems to be the respectable and socially responsible thing to do. It has been a disaster when I have found myself in an automatic state of social conformity.  In developing and middle income nations like Kenya, social conformity is very high because people perceive that we are in an insecure economic environment. Therefore, we should always choose very ‘safe and stable’ careers, ventures or life choices. Social conformity is higher in collective communities or cultures. Every culture has traces of collectivism and individualism but research has established that collectivism is very strong in Africa. Collectivism differs greatly from the pre-colonial communalism introduced in the first paragraph.

A good definition of Collectivism is drawn from the theorist of Cultural Dimensions Geert Hofstede. Collectivism  means people are born and integrated into strong, cohesive in-groups from birth that include the extended family, ethnic group or village. The term collectivism contrasts with “individualism, which pertains to societies in which ties between individuals are loose and everyone is expected to look after himself or herself and the immediate family. This collectivist nature is sometimes very positive when people are associating with very kind and nurturing individuals to achieve communal goals that are beneficial to everyone but it can also be very negative when predators exploit collectivism for self-interest or when we negate individual freedoms, autonomy and  the rights of people.

Collectivism in Kenya is also very contradictory because cultural research  has also clearly established that it is also a society  that is  driven by competition, achievement and a high value attached to success and outdoing others. This is a value system that is engrained in the education system and it is  intensified throughout organisational life.  Inevitably, in such a society, social comparison and social conformity are extremely high.

In my case, I  have observed that social comparison conducted by someone outside of myself is highly unlikely to be motivational in the context of Kenya. In one of many incidents after the completion of my PhD, a relative remarked with disgust, “what is the whole point of a PhD anyway, what are you doing ?” In that case it was quite pointless to respond and defend my choice to study a topic that did not yield explicit profit margin and  immediate manifestation of economic wealth and assets.  This is one of the many interrogations I have had to endure from “well meaning” Kenyans. At one academic job interview I was invited for during a maternity leave, one elderly woman interviewer asked me why I took a break to care for children and whether that shows responsibility towards work?  She was basically trying to tell me that a PhD does not allow one to prioritise their offspring; they should be off doing “real and serious” work.

It has taken some time to recover from the constant interrogations and questions of my very strange lifestyle that seems to be very slow in manifestation of explicit economic success . I completed my PhD successfully at a much younger age than most people so I have had to learn key life lessons after an advanced degree.Finally, I am happy to arrive at a place in my life where I do not care whether my path is conventional, unconventional or whatever on earth it is. I am just happy to be myself

I have also discovered that I have a Kenyan reason for living and existing that goes beyond whether I earn a high income, own land and occupy a high status job.

I have also concluded from empirical research that I will never really win in Nairobi as downward social comparison is the norm.

Unless, we arrest this situation.

Downward Social Comparison

Downward social comparison is ruthless at weddings, parties and in the context of work environments. This comparison drives purchasing and commerce decisions. It is so strong that an acquaintance of mine who had waited  very long for an engagement ring from her boyfriend was so sad about how the ring looked because it did not fit with the infamous rule that it should be the cost of three months salary and come at a significant cost to the groom.  We have arrived at a place where someone can explicitly tell you they will not accept something from you unless it is as expensive or looks like ‘so and so’. A young man mentioned that his wife kept telling him that the Ex had bought a car as she lamented why her own husband was incapable of purchasing a double cabin pick up car.

Materialism

Research on materialism and greed in the Kenyan and African context is so limited compared to the Western Global North where research has established a clear connection between materialism and long term relational, emotional, social and psychological wellbeing.

One of the Kenyan research papers that establishes a clear link between affluence and wellbeing is by the late Dr Rahab Nyaga. She outlined how affluent parents in Kenya are more likely to offer “presents rather than presence” leading to breakdown in the relational bonds and quality. When I use words such as materialism and greed it may not be apparent what I am discussing. They are broad words and the Kenyan structure is such that you can be participating actively in materialism and greed and not even know it. Materialism is when physical goods such as cars, houses, land and money take prominence in the context of familial and friendship bonds.

In my PhD research,one the dark sides of upward social and economic mobility that I never really explored in the final thesis but discovered was that sometimes when people managed to move out of Kibera slum they totally ignored and socially blacklisted the poorer friends they left behind. It is common for those who leave poverty behind to create a disordered view of the poor and lack empathy for their situation. Statements such as, “ why is she broke, can’t she marry a rich man?” are examples of remarks from people who have left poverty behind.

Greed crosses over from materialism to an insatiable desire for more. Where you find yourself grossly discontented with where you are and who you are. I believe I have been materialistic and greedy in the past especially because I felt had to subconsciously be somewhere I am not. I kept waiting to experience life when I “make it”. I remember a self-appointed mentor reminding me of someone who I had graduated with and how far she was because she had an international job. Something I knew full well I could not accept at that moment.  Rather than foster a healthy self awareness and acceptance of where I was at that moment, I allowed myself to wallow in self pity, embarrassment and discontentment for a season of life I should have been enjoying with my new family. I hope that this article helps you to avoid this trap and resist socially constructed materialism, greed and Affluenza.

The first way to survive and thrive in the midst of Affluenza.

Differentiate Yourself

The act of self differentiation sounds simple and clear  for some people who have been raised in the context of nations that prioritise a culture of independence.  In the context of Africa, this is far from the norm. Can I differentiate my goals, thoughts, feelings, emotions and sentiments with those of the very loud in-groups( families, Churches and schools) that are rampant in African society? Africans require a concerted effort to  to hear what the real authentic self is saying to them inwardly. The path to differentiation of the self is not easy but it is extremely fulfilling when every trace of hopelessness and worthlessness  is banished.

According to Dr Murray Bowen, a person with a well-differentiated self  can use thoughtfully acquired principles to help guide decision making about important family and social issues, making themselves less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. In a world where the pressure of conformity sometimes overrides the positive traits of the individual self, the act of self differentiation can transform the life of someone drastically. Professional therapy can help a person painfully but surely accept that the differentiation of the self is the best solution for prosperity and flourishing in the long term.

As I conducted research for this article I discovered so many young Kenyans who have made drastic decisions to change their lifestyles in order to maintain mental health and peace. One interesting link was featured on the YouTube channel Failure Effect.  The host interviewed a young man who had previously managed one of the most popular nightclubs before he experienced a burnout and quit the job. He later tried to work at a Church then found himself depressed and unable to cope. He made a drastic decision to resettle to an extremely remote part of Kenya where he instantly cut his costs of living and survival down. He eliminated social comparison instantly because he was living next to motorbike delivery men and drivers (*Boda Boda drivers), he started walking instead of desperately trying to afford a driver and a German vehicle. Most importantly than shedding off material needs and comparison, he had a season of life in which he interrogated himself and discovered his identity separate from the ownership of physical goods and status.

I was also amazed when I tried to track down a past friend of mine. One who was so famous for being the life of the party and the endless source of entertainment and “plans”. I was told she no longer lives in Nairobi and moved her whole family to a small coastal town. Another one graduated from advanced education in Nairobi, bought a beautiful townhouse, got  a new Mercedes Benz and invested in a new venture that appeared to be profitable. She seemed so happy and content. Only to disappear, switch off her phone and announce that she has moved to a suburb near Mount Kenya.

These people have one thing in common. They found a reason for living that exceeds and does not directly involve their bank balance, rank of job, land ownership, home ownership, car ownership and social status.

The next possible step is the ability to create and exist in a safe community. Once you have effectively differentiated the self ( a process that can take a very long time) it is much more effective and healthy for you to engage within the context of a safe community. Occasionally, unsafe and crude people will attempt to threaten your new found peace and identity but unlike before, you will be strong enough to engage and disengage if you need to.

Create a Safe Community

This is an intentional process that is not scientific and is rarely taught to people. Yet, it is necessary and critical in the times we live in. In this safe community you must identify different groups and grades of friends. There are friends who you can discuss children and marriage with, whilst others you cannot. With others you can discuss business and others you can discuss lighthearted subjects such as make-up and fashion . There are also some who you should not bother to discuss your finances, plans and romantic aspirations with. Next week I will discuss friendship in a more detailed way. What I have observed is that the issue of creation of a safe community is very urgent and important for those who dwell in urban centres. Everyone from the very wealthy to those with just enough are concerned about this. It is also very interesting to me that a higher income and wealth does not guarantee one the entry and safe dwelling in a safe community. Some very wealthy people are facing discrimination and prejudice.

There are also some personality types who naturally struggle more with the concept of friend making, boundaries and trust. In such cases there are some useful guides such as Dr Phil’s book Life Code and Dr Henry Cloud’s work on Boundaries. If you do succeed in creation of a safe community that is half the battle of life and a near guarantee of success in almost every area.  This community can enhance your wellbeing by helping you stay focused on a great purpose and direction for your life. Useful projects such as charity work and environmental conservation can be conducted more effectively in the context of a community. If you are in a group that provides support without judging you for what you own and the position you occupy it is very refreshing.

The third was way to avoid affluenza is the adoption of ecotherapy.

Ecotherapy

There is overwhelming research evidence that our connection to nature and green spaces influences our mental and emotional health. Yet, in Africa this evidence is taken for granted and not discussed because we are used to being surrounded by green space and near perfect climatic conditions. So rather than value green spaces, we sometimes run away from them. I have met so many people who view rural lifestyle of working the land as backward and inferior.  In my case, when I was really overwhelmed with life I discussed ecotherapy as a solution with a counsellor who told me that meditation and ecotherapy are the most popular forms of mental and emotional support in modern times. It is one thing to discuss ecotherapy with a counsellor it is another thing to pick up a planter and touch the soil. I started a community garden with my daughter and as simple as this activity is, it is the one activity that I feel I cannot do without. I simply love my plants and flowers in a way that I never thought possible. When I prune a plant and I see the new growth in a few weeks it is such a refreshing feeling of renewal, joy and hope. For me, the green space provides a clue that we are connected in an ecosystem of change , rebirth and renewal. It is also very fulfilling to see how plants grow from seed to seedling if you are in a season of life where you feel completely stuck, paralysed or like stagnant.

In the West, ecotherapy is revered and celebrated alongside minimalism. For practical ideas on this, look no further than Richard Louv.

Differentiating yourself , creating a safe community and ecotherapy are three ways to survive in an environment of affluenza. These three tips keep us grounded and remind us we are larger than ourselves and we are more valuable to the earth and beyond than we may ever imagine.